Trying to Love Me
Jessica McClendon, 2018
When its hot out I feel like I might not love you
The burning in my lower back and the sweat beneath my breasts make me want to stretch out in a full X
And when I stretch out, there is no room for you in the bed
Then you look at me with hungry eyes
Eyes that rove and devour and say “let me come close to you”
I usually love that look
But from my full X, I try to keep my eyes neutral
Trying not to tempt you
Secretly hoping that my ambiguous expression keeps you away from me
You see? It seems like its you I don’t want
But its me.
I feel as if my pores open wide to suck in any cold air that may be playing hide and seek in the corners of the room
And if my pores are open, the sweat pours out
Coming from the far corners of my inner world-up through the soul, the bone, the muscle, the dermis
Possibly carrying with it the secret fear that I am unlovable
And if I let you close to love me, you might taste it on my skin